Losing Life To Gain It...

Daneen Killion

“Mama, what are you gonna do when I die? You gon’ cry?” What a question.

“What do you think I will be when I get grown?”

 “A Man of God, a powerful preacher, or anything else you want to be…” I said. “I don’t know, Mama. I don’t think imma get grown.” What a response.

 Whoever thinks that their child will die before them? Not me. You could not have paid me to believe it. But my son did. And I think he knew he would.

 “Mama, what is it to do in Heaven? Is it video games in Heaven? Anyway, who do I know in Heaven? What’s God gon’ do, walk me around and introduce me to everybody?”

Three days later, I found him lying in my hallway… dead. We had just spoken fifteen minutes before. It was an asthma attack—something thirteen year old boys live with, not die from. But he did. He died. My only son. So, just like David at the bedside of his dead son (2 Sam 12:15-23), I still had to rise up and take my place in the fight. Providence would have it set that I was on the program to speak that very same night to a group of single women at a church’s first ever women’s conference. My son had died, and I should have cancelled, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t let Dominic down. I wouldn’t let my God down. I had to stay in the fight for the future of all those women that I had once been—a struggling teenage mom, an abused divorcee, with no self-esteem, no real mentorship, no honest help, and no hope. Dominic would have wanted me to minister and God anointed me for the work. So, I went. Hurting, broken, and grieving, God used me to bring healing and hope to women the day my son died and from that day on, I have never been the same.

The same day we laid Dominic to rest, I moved into a new home to begin my new life. And I had no clue what this life would be. After all, Dominic had been my life—doctor’s appointments, emergency room visits, drug stores. And not only was he asthmatic, but he also had ADHD, and school, from the very start, was a major production—to the point that I quit working as a graphic designer at a junior college and started freelancing from home so that I could be available for school visits, ITP meetings and the dreadful home suspensions. What was I supposed to do now with all of this time? What was I supposed to do with all these memories, regrets, wish-I-hadda’s, shoulda-woulda-coulda’s, and these tears… so many tears? “Lord, I need you! Lord, please help me!” This was my daily mantra.

On one of those days of deep sorrow, I reminded God of the cavernous void in my heart and He proclaimed to me in my spirit, “I will fill every place in your heart with My presence and My power, and you will not feel that emptiness ever again!” From that day to this one, He has fulfilled that promise. The sweet Holy Spirit began speaking to me in whispers, reminding me of the dreams and passions and desires of my heart that He had placed there so long ago. He would remind me that He had called me and that He knew me from my mother’s womb (Jer 1:5) and that Dominic’s role in my life was ordained and for my making. That he was now a part of the great cloud of witnesses (Heb 12:1), lovingly awaiting God’s total fulfillment of my journey, so that I could be reunited with him in eternity. God gave me hope, peace and a reason to finish the race.

Dominic was a tool in the hand of God to teach me countless lessons of love, mercy, justice and longsuffering. Without him, I would not have seen the reflection of God’s Great Love that He so desires all of His children to display. Dominic’s life was hard, yet he was full of laughter. His days were filled with trouble, yet his heart was full of compassion. He was the most loving, thoughtful, and wisest boy I have ever known and he was assigned by God to be my personal school master. His life of suffering, injustice and misunderstanding gave me immense compassion for at-risk youth, single mothers as well as individuals with disabilities. He taught me how to love in spite of a person’s behavior, to pray and have faith for change. He taught me to speak out for the underserved in my community. He taught me that all people are worthy of respect and should be treated with simple kindness and human dignity. Without these lessons, without the teacher, my son – I would not be who I am today.

I suddenly realized it was time to live again—to put all those lessons into practice, to break out of the Matrix and really LIVE. It was time to represent the “life more abundantly” stuff that I had been preaching about. God breathed life into my nostrils and my soul became alive once more. I could dare to dream again! Have you lost someone that you love dearly and you feel like your life ended when theirs did? If so, I would like to tell you that the same God that breathed life back into my heart is ready to do the very same thing for you! He desires for you to live again! He desires to give YOU life more abundantly (Jn 10:10). Take the lessons your loved one was sent to teach you and use them for your growth. That is why God allowed them into your life, to teach you. He wanted to give you a glimpse of Himself that you may not have ever seen without that significant person in your life.

Understanding this is how I was able to move forward. I could have gotten angry with God. I could have allowed this loss to cause my heart to be bitter and hardened. I could be in deep depression still today. But I believe that every day is day of choosing. We have to choose, especially on the hard days, to trust God in spite of how we feel. The bible says that “… we do not have a High Priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses… but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are...” (Heb 4:15 AMP) In other words, He knows how we feel, because He felt it too. Remember that Jesus wept when His friend Lazarus died? He knows grief. The Father also knows grief. He had to turn His back on His ONLY Son, because Jesus became our sin and sin cannot stand in the Presence of God. In that instant, Jesus died in God’s eyes. It was His only Son, and He died. Just like Dominic, just like your loved one. But there was a greater good for Jesus to die. I believe there was a greater good for Dominic to die. You must find the greater good in your grief also. Remember that He makes ALL THINGS work together for our good! (Rom 8:28)

Turn your pain into ministry. You don’t have to be a preacher or leader in your church. Maybe you don’t even go to church, but you can still help someone who needs it. There are people in this world that would benefit greatly from your life lessons, the ones you learned from others as well as the ones you learned from your beloved now gone. Did they have a problem— emotional, physical or financial—that you learned to cope with or even overcome? Was there a human interest cause that you can lend your voice and experience to in order to make life better for someone else? Don’t keep these precious life lessons to yourself, share them! It is exactly what your loved one would want you to do. In sharing comes healing. In healing, life becomes good again.

When I answered the call of God on my life, I did not know the price I would have to pay was the life of my own son and it has not been easy. And yet today, I can sincerely say that because his life passed through mine, I have not lost anything—instead, I have been made greater. If you look closely, you may find the same holds true for you. Yes, we have lost someone dear and yes, it hurts that they are gone. But, God is faithful to be with us through all of our experiences, both good and bad. He promised to never leave us or forsake us (Heb 13:5). In the deepest pain of my life, He revealed His Goodness by restoring my joy again. He does not show partiality (Eph 6:9) and He is waiting to do the very same for you.

The thing that I have not heretofore mentioned is that I had another child, Dominic’s big sister, Chassidy, who was right there with me, grieving over her brother. Together we laughed and cried as we remembered the times that we all shared. But, it was very important for me not to forget about her as I remembered my son. I had to be present in the life of my daughter, who was going through a major transition of her own, going off to college that same year in the fall. This was a season where everything had changed! Needless to say, we made it! God did it! And today, she has blessed me with two beautiful grandsons, of which I am immensely proud. God has a way of loving the hurt away… just like Job, he gave us a double portion reward because, through it all, He Is Faithful.